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The screen shows Hyrule,
zooms to Link riding a tricycle through Hyrule field. Navi is
following behind.
Goes to in front of Link.
Link: Hey Navi, can you
grant me 3 wishes? You’re a fairy after all.
Navi: NO! For the last
time, Link, I don’t grant wishes.
Link thinks a while.
Link: Please, pretty
please, with Lon Lon Milk on top?
Navi flies to other side.
Navi: *breathes* ok.
Navi holds a magic wand.
Navi:
Tingle-Tingle, Kooloo LIMPAH.
Immediately Tingle is up
ahead on a balloon. He doesn’t look happy.
He lands, and says in a
gangster voice
Tingle: I thought I
told you not- *cocks gun* to steal my words.
Tingle: Unless I get
some compensation, I might sue.
Link: NEVER!
DBZ fight, Link’s and
Tingle’s hair become huge.
Tingle: Oh no! I cannot
defeat that hair gel you’re using.
Link: I use Tresseme.
Tingle leaves, and then
suddenly it turns to night.
Link: What the…? How’s
it night so fast?
A horse with Impa and
Zelda ride by.
Zelda takes the Ocarina of
Time and chucks it at Link.
Link barks like a dog
and catches it in the mouth.
Link wiggles his head like
a dog with a toy.
Navi: Down boy!
Link drops it and starts
digging.
Suddenly, lightning
strikes, and Ganondorf comes, riding on a horse.
Ganondorf: I lost them.
Hey kid! Where’s that horse that just rode by?
Link drools, and says
“Uh… I dunno.
Navi: I’m sorry,
mister. Link is extremely dumb.
Ganondorf: Uh… ok. Fear
my power!
Navi: Wait…what did we
do?
Ganondorf makes a dementor
fly from the air.
Ganondorf: Whoops,
wrong character.
The dementor flies away
looking for Harry Potter.
Ganondorf tries to shoot
out a lightning bolt, but it fizzes and dies.
Ganondorf looks at his
finger, which has a + and – sign on it, like a battery.
Ganondorf: Damn, I
gotta get a new battery.
Ganondorf rides away.
Temple of Time Pt I
Navi and Link walk into
the temple.
Link takes out the
Spiritual Stones.
Link: What do I do now?
Navi: Put those on the
table right there, on the hollowed areas.
Link does so, but there
are four areas.
Link: Navi! There are
four areas. I need another stone.
A light bulb appears over
Link’s head. He lays his head on the fourth area.
Link: Now to play the
Song of Time!
Link whips out an electric
guitar, and starts playing, until he realized he can’t play.
The door starts opening
anyway.
Navi: What? You had to
play the Song of Time! How did the door open?
Link: Because Adam, the
writer of this crap, couldn’t go five minutes without a joke.
Navi: When we get out
of this mess, I’m gonna hunt him down and murder him.
Link: I’ll come too. He
drew me really bad.
Temple of Time Pt II
Link walks into the shrine
of the Master Sword. He gazes at it, and then reads what’s
engraved on it.
Link: Made in China?
Immediately, he grabs the
Master Sword and falls asleep. So does Navi.
7 Years Later
Link and Navi wake up, and
Link’s clothing is ripped. (Rauru didn’t give him the gauntlets,
leggings, etc.) He’s holding his tiny Deku shield with a pinky,
has a beer belly, and a small beard. He touches his ear, to find
it pierced.
Link: Holy crap! When
did this happen?
Rauru appears out of
nowhere.
Camera tilts to side to
see both of them.
Rauru: Heh, I couldn’t
help myself. Listen Link, you are the Hero of Time, I am the
Sage of Light, here’s the Medallion, blah blah blah blah blah.
1 Hour later.
Rauru: and that’s what
you must do, bye. He disappears.
Link: Wow.
Navi: Yeah, I know. We
have to do all that?
Link: No, I said ‘Wow’
because I can’t believe I skipped puberty! Then again, I never
really expected to have it in the first place. Seven years ago
my voice was like a mouse and, Kokiri’s don’t grow up.
Link hears a voice behind
him:
Sheik: Hello, Hero of
Time. I’m here to guide you.
Link turns around.
Link: Zelda! Is that
you? You look so hot in leather *whistles*
Sheik is dressed in black
leather.
Sheik: Damn, I thought
this disguise was good. Anyways, Link, you must take these
directions.
She hands Link directions.
Forest Temple (Outside)
The camera is facing the
temple; Link and Navi are on the Triforce stand thingy.
Link: Who knew I could
get a Hookshot from seeing White Noise?
*Flashback*
Navi and Link are in a
theater with Dampe’s ghost
*End of Flashback*
Navi is shaking.
Navi: No… more…scary
movies… *screams*
Link uses his Hookshot to
get up on top, and Navi flies along.
Dungeon shots
Shot of Link at the Kokiri
Village. Michael Jackson is chasing little kids.
Shot of Link at the
“Whack-a-Dragon” Game.
Shot of Link battling a
water fountain. (The line behind him is annoyed.)
Shot of Link with vacuum
sucking up ghosts. Luigi is there, looking confused.
Shot of Link in desert,
crawling on the sand, thirsty.
Temple of Time (Inside)
Navi: Well, looks like
we got all the Medallions and saved all the Sages.
Link: What? *points
at Navi in rage* I got all the Medallions. You just flew
around, shouting ‘Hey’ and ‘Listen’ and ‘Watch Out’ while I did
all the hard work! You even had popcorn while I battled the
bosses!
Camera pans to back of
Zelda, (not Sheik) watching them bicker.
Zelda: Link.
Link: Shut up, Zelda!
Zelda gasps, and then
holds out the Light Arrows.
Zelda: Well, I was
going to give you these Light Arrows to beat Ganondorf, but I
guess you can kiss my ass! *Smacks her booty*.
Ganondorf’s Voice: Heh
heh heh… don’t mind if I do, Princess Zelda.
Zelda, Navi, and Link look
up in surprise.
Ganondorf’s Voice: You
thought you could hide yourself from me, Zelda. You thought you
could suppress your feelings. But today, I’ve found you. And
when I’m done with you, you will have lost your life-and your
virginity.
Camera pans on Link’s
face.
Link: NOOOO!
Ganondorf: And yet you
are another thorn in my side. But there’s enough love to go
around… Heheheheh!
Link and Zelda have that
Japanese sweat drop on their foreheads.
Operator’s Voice: This
is a collect call. If you would like to continue talking, please
press 5. *Phone number tone*.
Ganondorf’s Voice: Yes,
yes, where was I? Oh yes. Sorry, but I only have enough magic to
teleport one of you to my castle. I need to save my ‘magic’ for
bed. Ha ha ha!
The camera pans to side
shot, where all the characters are visible.
Zelda screams as a beam of
light traps her, and she disappears.
Navi: Oh no! We have to
save her!
Link: Oh no, we don’t.
I’m not getting the time of my life from Ganondorf! I’ll get
HIV!
Final Battle
Link and Navi approach the
door.
Link: You better be
right about me saving Zelda. Or else I wouldn’t be here.
The open the door, and
walk into the room.
Ganondorf is playing the
organ, and then looks behind him and stops playing.
Ganondorf: Well, you’ve
come for me, haven’t you? All right.
Ganondorf makes a bed come
from nowhere.
Link: Uh, Ganondorf,
how about showing me that electric thing again?
Ganondorf: All right, I
just got new batteries too!
The camera goes to Navi.
Navi: Looks like I
better get some popcorn! I mean, Link! His ‘evil rays’ or
something prevent me from getting close. You’ll have to kill him
by yourself-again!
The camera zooms on
Ganondorf, and he rises into the air. A lightning bolt comes out
and flies at Link. The camera follows the bolt. Link hits it
back, but Ganondorf hits it back again. Link hits it back to
Ganondorf, and this time, Ganondorf is hit.
The camera goes to Navi,
who is wearing a #1 glove with popcorn.
Up above, the camera zooms
on Zelda, who’s in a crystal.
Zelda: Link! Take these
Light Arrows!
Zelda tosses the Light
Arrows, but they don’t get very far, and land on Ganondorf’s
platform.
The camera is on
Ganondorf. He picks up the arrows and begins studying them. He
holds them backwards, and pulls the bow.
Ganondorf: Hmm, I
wonder what this does.
Ganondorf shoots himself,
and then Link rushes and slashes him with the Master Sword.
Ganondorf screams like a
girl, and drops dead. He holds up a white flag.
Suddenly, the castle
starts to fall apart.
Zelda is lowered down in
her crystal, and is released.
Zelda: Link! The tower
is going to collapse.
Link: No duh!
Link points at an
elevator.
Link: Let’s go there.
They get in the elevator
and zoom down.
When they reach the
bottom, they go to the other side of the remains and watch the
tower fall.
Suddenly, Ganondorf bursts
out of the remains. He pops a Mento into his mouth and becomes
Ganon.
Ganon is surrounded by a
light as he turns into a pig with two daggers.
Ganon: Oink oink.
The camera goes to Link.
Link: This’ll be too
easy.
The camera goes to a
sideshot of them, as Link hits Ganon with the sword.
Link: We’ll be having
bacon tonight!
The camera goes to Zelda.
Navi: Actually, just
kill him, Link.
The sideshot of Ganon and
Link is almost close up.
Link grabs his Master
Sword and sticks it in Ganon.
Ganon explodes.
Navi flies above.
Navi: That battle was
too fast! I didn’t even finish my popcorn.
Link: So, what now?
It’s over? Hooray!
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