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Narrator: It’s a beautiful day in Hyrule, in Ordon Village.
Narrator stops.
Narrator: Wait, I only have three sentences? Damn Adam.
It’s morning, and a shadowy figure, (Ilia) is
leading Epona away to the Ordon Spring. Link races after her,
and punches her in the back. Ilia falls to the ground.
Link:
That’s for stealing my… Ilia!?
Ilia:
*groans* ugh… What the hell was that, Link? I was just going to
bang… I mean wash your horse for you!
Link:
Wha-
A big
scene of Hyrule field unfolds, with the Legend of Smellda,
Twilight Pimpcess logo, etc.
Link
is at the Ordon Ranch with Fado, Epona is nearby, they are
arguing.
Fado:
And I will pay you, Link! Someday…
Link:
Boss, you’ve never paid me at all.
Fado:
Then how do you explain your huge tree house?
Cut
scene of Link letting loose goats, then in Fado’s house reaching
for his wallet.
Link:
Uh, welfare checks?
Fado
motions to Epona.
Fado:
Listen, do this well, and I’ll double your pay.
Link:
But-
Link
is seen returning to his house, and Talo is there.
Day
II
Talo,
Beth, and Malo are at a tree house:
Talo:
Hey, Link! Get up!
An
old man opens the door.
Old
man: Some people are trying to sleep here you pesky kids!
Malo,
with small letters in CC: Wrong house.
Beth:
What did you say Malo? I can’t hear you over your short letters!
Malo:
Suck it.
Scene
to the shop
Sera:
Good Day Link!
Link:
Hey, I’d like to buy that Slingshot you have there.
Link
holds up the slingshot above his head. The Dun Dun Dun Dunn
music plays.
Sera:
Link, what are you doing?
Link:
This is classic, isn’t it? I get an item and hold it up above my
head.
Sera:
No, that is done in all other Zelda games. In this one you just
hold it in front of you.
Link:
Oh, excuse me.
Link
holds it in front of him. The Dun Dun Dun Dunn music plays
again.
Later
in Ordon Village:
Link
is riding Epona, with the package in hand. Ilia races to him.
Ilia:
Link, you’re going to Hyrule!
Mayor
Bo: Link, come here for a second…
Link
gets off his horse, and starts talking to Bo. Behind them, Ilia
sneaks off with Epona.
Link
turns around.
Link:
Hey! Where’s Epona?
At
the spring, Ilia is talking to Epona.
Ilia
(to Epona): No, I am not lesbi- hey, Link!
Link:
What are you doing to my horse?
Suddenly, the big Bublins come on boars, and Ilia and Link start
running away. Ilia is shot in the back with an arrow, and Link
is hit with a club. Ilia is slung over the Bublin’s shoulder,
who mutters “we’ll be having fun tonight!”
Link
wakes up in a daze, and sees stars and other hallucinations due
to his concussion from the club.
Link:
Ok, no more LSD for me…
Link
staggers up and races across the bridge. A hand reaches him and
thrusts him into the twilight…
Go to Part II
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